Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
