u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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