Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
He kissed a someone with a penis
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
