K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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