FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
