I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
