you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
