I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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