I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
The air taste purple.
Randomize
