I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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