god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
