Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
