just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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