if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
