I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
