I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
