made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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