i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
