Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
