If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
