He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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