I can tuck mytits in my pants
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
