We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Brb crying the tears of my youth
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
