cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
