Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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