as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
