I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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