watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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