so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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