Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Randomize
