so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
