Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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