I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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