His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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