i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Found your dick twin last night
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
