Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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