life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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