my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Randomize
