i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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