I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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