Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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