i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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