sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
