I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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