note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
