Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize