just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
