She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
