a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
