My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
being pregnant is like rehab
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Randomize