Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
