My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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