I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
