I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
