Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
