you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
