btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
