Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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