how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
