Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
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