You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
