she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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